Marriage Blog

What Is LOVE?

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 05:48:59 GMT

We often describe it as a feeling we have for another person, but is it really the truth?

What happens when the feelings change or get hurt?

Does love then die and do we let the relationship go and move on?

Is love just a feeling we have or is there more to it?

How do we develop a love that stands in the face of adversity and stays with us into the twilight years of our lives?

In the beginning of a love relationship we go through an infatuation stage which is characterised by the good feelings we have towards our partner.

We tend to overlook or not even acknowledge the faults on their part and the outlook is rosy. As the relationship moves into the next phase of love the emphasis must move away from feelings alone if it is to develop and grow. For love to continue to grow we must begin to focus on a series of actions which eventually become second nature to us as this love strengthens and builds.

When we love someone:

- we learn to become patient with them

- we tolerate behaviour in them which sometimes offends or upsets us hoping that it will change.

- we perform acts of kindness for them

– we do things that show we care for our partner

- we aren’t envious when things go well for them

– we want them to get ahead even if it is at the expense of our own well-being.

- we tend to act with more humility and less pride

- we become less selfish

- we start to moderate our own self-importance

We also :

- become good mannered and courteous

- don’t selfishly demand our own rights

- esteem the needs of our partner higher than our own

- learn to be less touchy and harder to upset

Loving another teaches us to keep no score of hurts done to us by them

Love helps us deal with the self-righteous attitude we can have when faced with the shortcomings of our partner

Instead we look for the good in them – believe the best of them – and never give up hoping the best for them

There is an old cliché that says “Love means never having to say you are sorry” - Not true

Loving someone means having the courage to say you are sorry when your actions have hurt them and having faith in the strength of your relationship to handle the ensuing conflict

It also means having the grace to accept the apology of your partner and move on

These two steps of forgiveness open the door to effective communication to determine the actions you both will take to set things right and move forward into a stronger relationship.

In short love is never just the wonderful feelings we have for another person.

Love must include a serious commitment to apply action to those feelings.

It is choosing to respond to your partner’s actions in a way that you know will benefit your relationship not just you or or your partner.

When we enter into a loving relationship with the right person we probably won’t get it right immediately.

It takes a commitment to explore possibilities and time to make necessary changes.

Eventually a deeply satisfying,long-lasting, mutually beneficial relationship can be developed along with all the wonderful feelings and emotions that true love brings

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How To Stay Connected

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 05:33:45 GMT

Once upon a time, a man called Adam became aware of a feeling of loneliness. He recognised this feeling was coming from his growing need for companionship. This led the man to re-assess his whole life. He decided he didn’t want to be single anymore and desperately wanted someone of his own kind with whom he could share true intimacy.

The kindly Creator understood this need and separated from Adam an opposite, but complementary version of the man, and a wonderful woman called Eve entered his life. What resulted was the solution to one of mankind’s most important needs – an intimate relationship to meet the need for LOVE & CONNECTION

Whether we believe in this version of the birth of human relationship, or not, there is no denying that the desire for LOVE & CONNECTION is still one of our greatest needs.

And the solution to satisfying the need for LOVE & CONNECTION is still best found in an intimate and committed relationship.

But the challenge of building an intimate relationship and staying connected with someone we love is still as difficult now as it was then.

Statistics are showing an alarming increase in family and relationship breakdown. It appears that people are finding it increasingly difficult to handle the complexities of developing a committed relationship

Yet, starting an intimate relationship with someone seems relatively easy but maintaining that intimacy is very hard.

So if we all crave LOVE & CONNECTION, and we appear to be able connect with others and even fall in love with them, then why are we having so many difficulties in keeping our relationships alive and strong?

The answers lay in way we communicate with each other and more specifically WHAT and HOW we communicate.

If you want to stay CONNECTED to someone you love, then WHAT you need to communicate to them are four very important messages.

“I like you; you are valuable to me; I accept you as you are; I love you”

and if you are a man who loves a woman, you also need to communicate to her :

“You are beautiful and you are special to me”

HOW are we meant to communicate these simple but powerful messages ? The answer is – through words and actions, by any and every means possible.

HOW OFTEN ? – at least daily

Facebook, Twitter, e-mails, sms & video messaging allow us to saturate the airwaves with trillions of bytes of heartfelt words every day.

Using our Iphone, Ipad or PC to stay connected to each other is good but it can be very cold and impersonal. Nothing will ever replace the effectiveness of face-to-face, “I’m in-your-space”, physical contact.

A hug, a kiss, a word of encouragement or a thoughtful action delivered in person will always have far more impact on a relationship than any electronic message.

Words of LOVE attached to something tangible like flowers, chocolates or a gift, will help cement the bonds of CONNECTION between people more effectively than an email or sms.

So if you are serious about your relationships and want to STAY CONNECTED with those you love, use the technology available, but also make the time to engage in good, old fashioned, physical touch and loving words spoken with eye-to-eye contact. They have worked very effectively since Adam and Eve got it together.

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The 4 Phases of LOVE - which one are you in?

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 04:34:10 GMT

In our experience we have identified 4 distinct phases that can be present in the development of love.

Note: In the search for a loving relationship, not everyone experiences all 4 stages, nor do they have to.

However it is vital that any person seriously pursuing a permanent, monogamous, loving partnership, especially a marriage, knows which phase of love both they and their partner are in. This helps them to not only to evaluate the state of their relationship but also to make better decisions regarding their future together.

There are stages of progression in a LOVING RELATIONSHIP.

Stage 1 : Infatuation – the FAIRYTALE phase

Where we can experience:

- intense physical/mental/sexual attraction

- what we think is perfection– “anyone who makes me feel this good must be perfect and perfect for me”

- the “I wish this could last forever” feeling

- the “I want to be with you all the time” desire

- the “love-drug”

The purpose : To provide the motivation and energy required to break through any barriers preventing you from discovering a potential soul-mate.

It is highlighted by an overwhelming desire to be with another person. Men seem to be more susceptible than women to the power of this infatuation.Those affected by this power are often heard saying things like “ I can’t stop thinking about………. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m not getting any work done.” Some people get addicted to the “love-drug” element of this phase and continually search for the “highs” and the associated feelings of euphoria. This could explain why some people go from one relationship to another and never progress beyond the romantic phase.

The “love-drug” appears to be a mixture of adrenalin, endorphins and some other “magic ingredient” which all combine to form a very powerful “love potion.”

If any one could isolate and manufacture that “magic ingredient” they would become instant billionaires. As with any drug induced high this phase cannot be sustained indefinitely. In our experience we believe that infatuation has to fade before true love can develop. But it does provide real momentum for the next stage of love for those who are fortunate enough to experience the “magic” of infatuation and wise enough to handle it.

Stage 2 : Romantic love – the EXPLORATION phase

Which involves :

- intimate sharing – not necessarily sexually

- Soul to Soul connections (mind, will, emotions)

- Mind – thoughts ideas hopes aspirations

- Will – opinions beliefs values

- Emotions – feelings likes dislikes passions

- shared dreams and goals

- some commitment

The purpose : To forge a soul-mate connection and establish a best friend relationship with a view towards marriage.

This is a key phase in the establishing of a lifelong relationship. It is also a phase which women seem to respond very well to and from here never seem to lose their desire for “romance.” It is here where a couple discovers whether or not they can become soul-mates and best friends. Both are looking for a meaningful connection of minds, wills and emotions. Goals, hopes, dreams and aspirations are shared and evaluated. Opinions, issues, core-values and beliefs are discussed in detail. Thoughts, feelings and emotions (some arising from shared experiences) are expressed . Some trials and tribulations are experienced, which test the strength of the soul-to-soul connections and the ability to resolve conflict. It is in this phase that a very open and honest level of communication must be reached. It is during this phase that any habits, addictions, guilt and secrets, which have the potential to damage an ongoing relationship, must be revealed and dealt with.

Note : It is crucial that this happens before the relationship moves to the next stage. Failure here to properly address these issues will always result in a future problem that could severely traumatise and even destroy the marriage relationship.

If wisely used the “lovedrug” will provide the energy and motivation to spend the necessary time together to explore all of these areas. If this is stage is completed properly and a soul-to-soul connection and best friend relationship is established then the ultimate act of romantic love can follow - the proposal of marriage. From here we enter the next stage.

Stage 3 : True love – the REALITY phase

We experience :

- the good, the bad and the ugly in our partner

- the balance of GOOD outweighs the BAD & UGLY

- love as a choice more than a feeling

- concrete planning for the future

- lots of hard work in the pursuit of goals and dreams

- lots of changes – physical, mental, physiological, environmental

- the progression of “the 2 shall become 1” phase

- strong commitment to each other

- increasing commitment to the marriage

- lots of shared experiences resulting in lots of good memories.

The purpose: To solve the mystery of “and the two shall become one” and to make it become a reality in your own relationship.

You reach the stage where loving your spouse eventually becomes automatic. You know you have achieved this when you finally realise that meeting the needs of your spouse and your marriage is more important than meeting your individual needs. This comes from the understanding that “if it is not good for my spouse, it is not good for my marriage and if it is not good for my marriage it really is not good for me.” It is here you pursue your life goals together. You embark upon an exciting adventure of challenges, discovery and change. A myriad of shared experiences are stored as a treasure trove of good memories. Part of the challenge of this stage involves learning how to cope with the changes you, your spouse and your relationship experience along the way. Everything you do is meant to help you bond more closely as a husband and wife. To do this your words and actions must communicate the following:

"For as long as I live, I promise to meet as many of your needs as I possibly can, given where I am, at any point of my life.”

You are not promising to meet all of each other’s needs all of the time– that is not possible. What you are committing to is meeting those needs that are within your capabilities and sometimes doing what you know is necessary even when you don’t feel like it or you think your partner doesn’t deserve it. Loving your partner becomes more a conscious choice rather than a response to thoughts driven by the euphoria of infatuation or romance. Thoughts, feelings and needs must be clearly interpreted and communicated to enable each person to increasingly make the right loving choices in meeting the other’s needs.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION is the key

Stage 4 : Deep love – the HAPPILY EVER AFTER phase.

Where you :

- are totally committed to each other

- experience “the 2 have become 1” phenomenon

- reap the rewards of your hard work and commitment

- find loving each other becomes easier

- enjoy your relationship at an increasingly deeper level

- bask in the afterglow of sharing good times and good memories.

The purpose : To reap the rewards of time, effort and love you have sown into your relationship (especially in stage 3) and enjoy the rest of the journey at a deeper and more meaningful level.

This is the ultimate level of love. In our experience the only place we have seen this kind of love is inside a long and well established marriage. There is a deep sense that everything is right in your relationship. A level of deep intimacy is reached and enjoyed. A strong sense of feeling "so right, peaceful and happy together" permeates the whole relationship and is easily observed by others. There is a powerful sense of total commitment to each other and your marriage. The power of “the two have become one” is understood and wisely used.

Final comment: In our opinion there has been nothing more powerful, more rewarding or more character building for both of us than taking our relationship from infatuation through to deep love .

If we can do it – so can you

We have been married for over 42 years and through Marriages Made In Heaven we help other couples achieve similar outcomes . Please contact us if you would like more information

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